It’s a common source of frustration for many wives – feeling like you carry the majority of the mental and emotional labor in your marriage. You manage the household, keep track of appointments, pay the bills, and take care of the kids’ needs. But getting your husband to take on his fair share of responsibility can be a challenge.
Why Some Husbands Avoid Responsibility
There are a few key reasons why your husband may shirk responsibility:
He Grew Up in a Traditional Household
If your husband grew up with a stay-at-home mom who handled most domestic duties, he likely sees this division of labor as normal. He doesn’t have a model for a more equitable partnership.
He Has a Laidback Personality
Some men are just more relaxed and hands-off by nature. They don’t think about actively taking initiative on household duties.
He’s Oblivious to Your Mental Load
Men are often unaware of the invisible labor their wives take on – the cognitive work of remembering obligations, making plans, and delegating tasks. So it doesn’t occur to them to lighten your burden.
He’s Overwhelmed
For some men, taking on more domestic responsibilities feels overwhelming, especially if they also work full-time. They may avoid it because it feels like too much. Discover how to get my husband to take initiative.
Communicating Your Needs to Your Husband
The first step is letting your husband know – in a calm, non-critical way – that you feel overwhelmed and need more help. Here are some tips:
Pick a Neutral Time to Talk
Don’t spring this discussion on him in the middle of an argument or when emotions are already running high. Choose a relaxed time when you’re both feeling calm and centered.
Use “I” Statements
Avoid accusatory “you” statements like “You never help with the kids.” Instead, use “I” statements: “I feel like I’m spread really thin juggling the household and kids by myself.”
Give Specific Examples
Don’t just say “I need help.” Give concrete examples of tasks and duties you need him to take ownership of: “Could you take on bedtime with the kids Tuesdays and Thursdays?”
Suggest a Division of Labor
Come equipped with a plan to divide and conquer responsibilities that seems fair to both of you based on your workloads.
Listen Without Interrupting
When he responds, try to keep an open mind. Avoid getting defensive.
Manage Expectations
He may need time to step up and get better at new tasks. Don’t expect him to immediately master duties you’ve handled for years.
Establishing New Habits and Roles
Once you’ve had an open discussion, it’s time to put those plans into practice. Here’s how to build responsibility into your husband’s routine:
Make a Written Checklist
Post a literal list of tasks that are his domain. This serves as a constant reminder and clarifies exactly what he’s agreed to handle.
Schedule It On the Calendar
Block out time on your shared family calendar when he’ll tackle certain duties like caring for the kids solo or cleaning specific rooms.
Set Reminders
Have him set phone alerts reminding him when it’s time to do tasks like pay certain bills so it becomes habit.
Start Small
Don’t dump a ton of new obligations on him at once. Gradually add responsibilities so he can adjust.
Show Appreciation
Express sincere gratitude when he carries his weight. Positive reinforcement goes a long way.
Let Him Do It His Way
Give him latitude to perform tasks differently than you would. Resist nitpicking or micromanaging.
Be Patient
He’ll make mistakes at first. Try to exercise patience and offer gentle guidance rather than criticism.
Sharing the Mental Load
In addition to divvying up chores and childcare, make sure you’re also sharing the “invisible work” of running a household:
Make a Shared Calendar
Use a cloud-based family calendar to note everyone’s schedules and obligations. Both spouses should access it.
Split Parent Teacher Duties
Divide and conquer school forms, teacher conferences, pediatrician appointments, and other kid logistics.
Share Grocery Planning
Collaborate on menus, grocery lists, and food prep. Don’t do it alone.
Set Bill Pay Reminders
Make sure he sets up payment reminders for his share of monthly bills.
Plan Ahead Together
Sit down together regularly to discuss schedules, divide tasks, anticipate needs, and confirm who’s responsible for what.
Outsource When Possible
Consider hiring help for tasks like cleaning or yardwork neither enjoy. Don’t let it all fall on you.
Acknowledge His Contributions
Notice and vocally appreciate when he shares the cognitive and emotional load – not just the manual chores.
Overcoming Resistance
Despite your best efforts, your husband may continue resisting responsibility. A few strategies can help overcome this:
Lead by Example
Demonstrate what equitable partnership looks like by making sure you practice what you preach.
Enlist Outside Help
Counseling can help open his eyes to your perspective and need for help.
Stop Enabling Him
Don’t swoop in to take over tasks he’s shirking. Let natural consequences do the teaching.
Examine His Workload
Look for areas where he feels stretched thin and revisit the division of labor.
Set Boundaries
Be clear which responsibilities are yours alone based on sanity and bandwidth. Stick to them.
Focus on Positive Change
Compliment any small steps he makes rather than harping on what’s not changing fast enough. Progress takes time.
When to Seek Professional Help
If he remains completely unwilling to step up despite your best attempts, seek counseling. A therapist can help address underlying beliefs or communication issues causing the impasse. Don’t continue shouldering an unfair burden indefinitely. You deserve a true partner.
FAQs
How can I avoid nagging my husband to do chores?
- Use reminders, schedules, and checklists to set him up for success. Don’t rely on repeated pleas and prompts.
What if he insists he works more, so housework should be my job?
- Point out you also work hard caring for kids. Frame it as “different but equal” contributions to family.
What if he claims he doesn’t know how to do certain tasks?
- Offer patience and guidance. But don’t take over. Instead have him learn by doing while you advise.
How can I get him to plan ahead instead of relying on me?
- Make him share access to family calendars and schedules. Establish times for joint planning.
What if he agrees to help but then doesn’t follow through?
- Gently remind him of his commitments. Let natural consequences do the teaching when possible.
In Conclusion
Sharing responsibility with your husband starts with honest communication about your needs and specific ideas for dividing duties. With patience and a willingness to build new habits, an equitable partnership is possible. Reject mediocrity with reject mediocrity – 5 ways to overcome 99% of others, and as you embark on this journey, remember that over time, your husband can become a true teammate, seamlessly easing your mental load and fortifying your marriage through shared purpose. Don’t shoulder the weight alone; your needs and wellbeing matter in the pursuit of a fulfilling partnership.
